


Ninomiya Kazunari, Private Eye

by harinezumi_kun



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: AU (detectives!), Hijinks, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-07
Updated: 2012-07-07
Packaged: 2017-11-09 08:27:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/453414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harinezumi_kun/pseuds/harinezumi_kun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: “Nino the detective gets a case he can’t solve.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ninomiya Kazunari, Private Eye

**Author's Note:**

> written for ltgmars for the 2012 ninoexchange. i feel like there were so many detective stories in this exchange OTL but inez seemed to enjoy it, so that's all that matters ♥ And thanks to mokarran for handholding and support, and hontowa for an amazing last-minute beta!

The careful lettering on the door says: Ninomiya Kazunari, Private Detective - Investigation, Consultation, Information - Discreet, Knowledgeable, Affordable (Prices Available Upon Request.)

The room beyond the door, and the office beyond that, are a study in 1940s noir decor: everything is old and faded, the lighting is dim (partly this is because Nino likes the authenticity and partly because it sort of pisses his receptionist off--“There is a time and a place for vintage,” Jun tsks, “but the office is not it.”).

The customer--Sakurai Sho, according to the email Nino has open on his computer--bows and introduces himself before sitting down. Nino can’t help but notice how nicely he is dressed: a three-piece suit, long jacket, leather shoes of some fancy brand that Jun would probably recognize, and he even has a shiny pin in his tie (and Nino doesn’t miss the elevator eyes Jun gives Sakurai’s rear view as Jun ushers Sakurai into the office). But the outfit is only fitting, as Sakurai is the general manager of the Mitsubishi Bank Corp. branch down the road.

It’s been such a quiet week. A quiet month. So quiet, Nino feels like he’s about to lose his mind. There is a stack of files on his desk, but he’s already abandoned them for his DS: none of them are worth his time. The missing teenage daughter has obviously run away with her boyfriend, the suspicious person the old lady keeps seeing is just the mailman, and then a bunch of background checks--and Nino is so tired of background checks. He didn’t start this job so he could be a stalker dammit, he’s supposed to be a detective. But today’s meeting is his one glimmer of hope. He just prays it goes the way he’s expecting.

“So, what can I do for you, Sakurai-san?”

“Well,” Sakurai begins. “As I wrote in my email, I need your assistance with an...incident...at the bank.”

“Just what kind of ‘incident’ was this?” Nino prods.

Sakurai hesitates. “It happened two nights ago, but--I’ve never worked with a private detective, and. Well, first, Ninomiya-san, I just want to reiterate that this business will need to be conducted with the utmost discretion and--”

“No need to worry,” Nino interrupts. “I can be practically invisible.”

Sakurai takes a deep breath and leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “We are missing something highly valuable,” Sakurai begins vaguely.

“The Lion’s Heart,” Nino provides, enjoying the look of shock on Sakurai’s face. “Japan’s largest ruby. Correct?”

“Correct,” Sakurai mutters. “How did you...?”

Nino spreads his hands and gives his best charming smile. “That’s my job.”

Sakurai narrows his eyes suspiciously, but continues. “Well, as you seem very familiar with the situation, you may know that the police investigation is moving very slowly. The Heart belongs to a very important client of ours, and I am very concerned, of course, with our customers’ satisfaction as well as the reputation of the ba--”

“And otherwise you’ll get fired?” Nino interrupts, putting his chin in his hand with a grin.

Sakurai purses his lips, then gives a sigh. “And otherwise I’ll get fired,” he agrees.

“So the police are having a lot of trouble with this one?” Nino confirms.

Sho nods. “Unsolvable, some of them are saying.”

Nino smiles wide. “Sounds perfect.”

*

After some discussion, Nino sees Sakurai to the main door, and when he turns back to the office, Jun has his arms crossed and a peevish glare aimed at Nino.

“‘That’s my job’, huh?” Jun says in a nasally imitation. “And who told you about that heist this morning?”

Nino waves a dismissive hand and ambles back across the room. “Oh don’t be mad,” he says, parking himself on the corner of Jun’s desk. “ _That_ is exactly the reason I hired you.”

“What, because I do your job for you?”

“Because you’re the best secretary in the city,” Nino corrects. “And I only hire the best.”

“Administrative assistant,” Jun sniffs, but Nino can see that he is at least a little mollified by the touch of color in his cheeks. “So, what’s the job?”

“Very expensive rock goes missing from a highly impenetrable vault. The police are taking their sweet time with the investigation and Sakurai wanted to take matters into his own hands before he loses his job.”

Jun raises a carefully-sculpted eyebrow. “Think you can solve it?”

“Oh, J,” Nino says, heading back into his office, “when have I ever had a case I _couldn’t_ solve?”

Once he’s ensconced at his desk again, pulling his DS out from under his pile of abandoned files, Nino calls back out to the reception desk:

“By the way, the job starts tomorrow at 9:00 sharp. I’m going to need you to come over and make sure I get out of bed.”

Jun just rolls his eyes.

*

At 8:40 the next morning, Jun is leaving Sammy’s Bakery and Deli with a bag of the best donuts in the city, a cup of coffee, and a very disgruntled Nino in tow. Nino growls to himself as he sips at his own cup, which is less coffee and more like ten espresso shots and a little milk.

“Yes,” Jun agrees, though Nino knows Jun can’t actually understand any of Nino’s mutterings. “It is a lovely morning, isn’t it?”

Nino just snarls. It should be illegal to open any place of business this early.

“Then don’t make appointments before noon,” Jun sighs, and digs in the bakery bag. He pulls out a sugar-glazed donut. Nino takes it with a more happy sounding growl, and starts devouring it in vicious little nibbles.

They arrive at the bank at precisely 9:00, and are shown into Sakurai’s office. It’s all very modern and sleek looking: clear glass desk-top, nice leather chairs--Jun is probably eating his heart out.

“Fancy digs,” Nino comments, having regained some higher brain function after all the caffeine and sugar.

“Er. Thank you?” Sakurai replies. He motions to the chairs in front of his desk. “Please, have a seat.”

“No thanks,” Nino says with a grin.“I’d rather get right to it, if you don’t mind. So, let’s see where you were keeping this ruby, shall we?”

Sakurai blinks, perturbed, but then stands, pulling his suit straight as he does. “Yes, of course. Follow me.”

*

Sakurai leads them to the vault at the heart of the bank. The door is stainless steel, a little over two meters tall, with a wheel and a small control panel on the front.

“A Mosler, huh,” Nino says, just as Sakurai is opening his mouth to speak. “Sturdy, for sure, but impenetrable?”

“Er--Yes, a Mosler,” Sakurai stutters, then quickly regains his poise. “The latest model, all the standard features: the door is over a meter thick, day guard, time lock, micro-switch. We also have motion and heat-sensors inside that come on every night when the vault is closed.”

“Nothing outside the vault, then?” Nino asks, watching a pair of employees walk by towards the lobby.

“There are surveillance cameras throughout the building, and security personnel on duty twenty-four hours a day.”

Nino can hear Jun taking notes on his little notepad while Nino hums to himself and pokes around the vault door. “So all that and someone still got in?” Nino asks, now fiddling with the open control panel.

“Ah, please, that’s very--don’t--” Sakurai hurries over and shoos Nino away from the buttons. “Yes, well, someone did get in. The ruby was simply gone when we opened the bank the next morning.”

“What do you mean, ‘simply gone’?” Nino asks.

“That’s what is giving the police so much trouble. There were no signs of forced entry anywhere on the vault door, no alarms were set off, and no one was recorded on the security cameras except the security guard on his rounds. But when we opened the vault on Tuesday morning, the Heart was gone.”

*

“Gone?” Nino repeats. “Just gone?”

“Yes, gone,” Sakurai says irritably. “But we need it back.”

Nino thinks for a moment, staring hard at Sakurai and making him twitch a little. “And where is the security guard now?” Nino asks finally.

Sakurai sniffs and fusses with his lapels. “Well, naturally he was fired.”

Nino fights off the stink-face that he can feel fighting its way to the surface. “What?”

“Anyway, the police already questioned him and have his information, so I don’t see--”

“Would you be able to get us a copy of his file?” Jun asks before Nino can say something cutting.

“And the security tapes,” Nino says instead, walking back towards the lobby and forcing the others to follow him. “Everything from the last week.”

“Of course I can give you a copy of the guard’s file, but, uh.” Sakurai clears his throat awkwardly. “As for the videos...”

Nino stops dead, and Sakurai almost collides with him. “What?”

“We’ve already handed them over to the police.”

*

“No,” Inspector Nagase bellows from the back of the room. “No, no--out, Ninomiya, get out, you can’t have this one!”

“Hello, Inspector,” Nino says cheerfully, leaning both elbows on the front desk.

“Get out!” 

“I have a letter from my client specifically requesting that you hand over the surveillance tapes--”

“I don’t care!” Nagase shouts, finally storming out of his office and up to the front. The receptionists all quickly find other things to do. “They’re police property now and I’ve got my own detectives going over them, so--”

“So make me a copy,” Nino tries.

“No!” Nagase says again.

“He’s just afraid you’re gonna solve it first,” Jun says with a mischievous grin. Nagase’s nostrils flare.

“The last thing I need is a couple chuckleheads like you coming in and muddling up my investigation--”

“How’s that going, by the way?” Nino asks sweetly. “Any big leads yet?”

“For your information,” Nagase begins with a triumphant grin, then changes his mind suddenly. “I mean. None of your business.”

“Ooh, spill,” Nino says, leaning even further forward on the desk.

“Never!” Nagase hollers. “Now get out of here before I have you arrested!”

“On what grounds?” Jun wants to know, scribbling in his notepad again.

“On the grounds of--of you guys are really annoying--what are you writing?”

Jun just holds the notepad closer to his chest while Nagase stands on tip-toe to peer over the desk.

“C’mon, just tell me,” Nino wheedles. “You have an unfair advantage, you know, getting to do all the fingerprinting and evidence collecting before I even get there.”

“We’re the police, kid, that’s our job.”

“Not doing it especially well, it would seem,” Jun mutters just loud enough to be heard.

“I’ve already got the security guard’s file,” Nino adds, “so I can just go interview him and--”

Nagase’s lips have been persed, but he suddenly bursts out, like he can’t hold it in anymore: “Well, the joke’s on you, because ‘Enomoto Kei’ doesn’t exist. It’s a phony name, we called the security company and they’d never heard of him.”

“Really?” Nino asks, intrigued. “Now that is very interesting.”

*

Eventually, they do get a copy of the tapes. Nino closes the office and forces Jun to spend the next day going over the security footage with him. Jun complains, but he also makes breakfast, lunch, and dinner in Nino’s kitchen, and restocks the fridge while he’s at it.

But, after almost 16 straight hours of fast-forwarding, rewinding, fast-forwarding again, they’ve got nothing. Well, nothing they can work with, anyway.

“Everyone who went into the vault came back out,” Jun recites for the twentieth time. “The Lion’s Heart was never removed from its safe. Two days before the robbery, the security guard cleans all the camera lenses--”

“And moves them,” Nino says.

“Maybe,” Jun amends. “They look the same to me.”

“Moves them.”

“ _Anyway_. Sakurai and the assistant manager lock the vault every night at 8:30, a half-hour before Enomoto starts his shift, and then unlock it again at 6am, an hour after Enomoto leaves.”

“He _moved_ them,” Nino insists, and Jun tosses his notepad on the coffee table in disgust.

“It doesn’t matter!” Jun says, falling back onto the sofa. “We just need to know who has it!”

“Well, obviously it’s the guard, this ‘Enomoto’ guy.”

“Okay, great. So how do we find him?”

“I don’t know,” Nino says bitterly. He’s staring at the screen, which is currently paused on a shot of Enomoto, nice and close to the camera as he cleans the lense. He’s younger looking than Nino expected, with a round cherubic face behind a pair of thick-framed glasses.

“He’s pretty cute,” Jun opines, after a few moments of silence. “And if he is a bank robber, that explains how he could afford those Ray-bans.”

“But why didn’t he take anything else?” Nino murmurs. Then, more quietly: “He’s not _that_ cute.”

“So he’s a collector,” Jun says. “All he wanted was the Lion’s Heart.”

“So we need to find out who’s in town looking to collect.”

“Ah,” Jun turns to Nino. “So we need to go talk to Aiba?”

“Exactly.”

*

Shimura’s Pet Smarty-Mart looks like a kindergartener’s dream: everything from the sign outside to the cages and displays inside is done in bright, primary colors, with lots of cartoon animals scattered around for good measure. The clerk, too, could be the poster child for cheerful and friendly customer service, and he smiles fit to light the room when Nino and Jun walk into the store the next day.

“Nino! Jun-kun!” Aiba exclaims, bounding out from behind his register to greet them. “Are you finally going to take the next big step?”

“What?” Jun asks.

“Getting a pet together,” Aiba says, guilelessly. “It’s a very important step in any relationship, that kind of respons--”

“Oh, shut up, we don’t even live together,” Nino gripes, disengaging himself. “We came to ask you about, ah, business, you know.”

“Ahh, business, right,” Aiba grins. “What’s up? Someone dealing? Trading?”

“Stealing, actually,” Nino says. “Jewels. Japan’s largest ruby, in fact, the Lion’s Heart, it’s missing.”

“Do you know if there’s anyone in town with an interest in jewels?” Jun asks. “Maybe rare, valuable items?”

Aiba tilts his head thoughtfully, but his expression shifts to a frown. “Jewels? Hmmm. No, I don’t think so, not recently, anyway. Higashiyama came through last month, but he’s more into insurance scams recently.”

“Write that down,” Nino mutters to Jun, but Jun’s already got his notepad out. “No collectors at all?”

Aiba shakes his head. “Where was it stolen from?”

“The bank near the office,” Nino supplies. “The vault was apparently very high-tech and ‘impenetrable’, but everyone knows that--”

“Impenetrable vault, huh?” Aiba interrupts. “Well, I don’t know anyone in town who’s after jewels, but I might know someone who’d want to break into a high-tech vault.”

“Wait, really? Who?”

“I don’t know his name,” Aiba says. “People just call him ‘Captain’.”

“Captain?” Jun repeats.

“What, does he have a pilot’s license or something?”

“Apparently he used to be a fisherman,” Aiba shrugs. “Before he got into lock-breaking. But then, some people also say he was a sculptor, or a baker, or a pole-dancer. Very mysterious character.”

“So you’ve met him?” Nino asks hopefully.

“Nope, sorry.” Aiba shakes his head again. “I just heard he was in town, working on a big job.”

“Damn,” Nino sighs. “I don’t suppose you know if he’s still in town?”

“Don’t know,” Aiba says, but then brightens. “You could get a sniffer-dog to track him down! We have those, I could get you one for a very reasonable--”

“No thanks,” Nino says quickly. “We’ll...see what we can find on our own.”

*

Back at his apartment, Nino collapses onto the couch with a groan.

“Well that was a complete bust. All we know now is that someone who’s name we don’t know might have stolen the Heart and is maybe still in town.”

Jun is still by the door, lining his shoes up carefully and turning them around so the heels face the room. “We could call Nagase and see if he’s got anything yet?”

“Oh, he probably would’ve called to gloat about it already if he had,” Nino says into the couch cushions. After a few moments of silence, he props himself up to stare at the blank TV screen. “It’s the tapes. Something about the cameras, the way he moved them...”

“You don’t even know if that actually happened,” Jun points out.

“Still!” Nino protests. “There has to be a clue in the video. There has to.” Nino knows he sounds a little desperate, but this is beginning to look dangerously like an actually unsolvable case.

“Fine, you watch the videos some more,” Jun says, walking straight through to the kitchen. “I’m going to make some lunch, and call around to see if any especially large rubies have been trading hands.”

“What would I do without you, J?” Nino calls fondly, as he clicks on the TV.

From the kitchen, Jun just scoffs.

“Starve.”

*

“There!” Nino shouts, hours later. Jun jumps almost a foot out of the chair where he’s re-reading Enomoto’s file.

“Jesus, Nino, what? What is it?”

“It’s the same bag,” Nino murmurs, rewinding the tape again. “He gets some kind of pastry from the same shop everyday.”

“I think it’s a bearclaw,” Jun offers.

“The _pastry_ doesn’t matter! It’s the bag, it’s the same place, the same logo, but I can’t--”

“Wait a second,” Jun says, squinting at the screen. “Isn’t that the logo from...?”

“It is!” Nino leaps up and grabs his coat. “Let’s go!”

“Right now?” Jun protests, even though he’s already on his feet.

“Yes,” Nino insists. “It’s a stake-out!”

“But why would he still go there if he doesn’t even work at--”

“Stake-out!” Nino cries, galloping out the door.

*

So they spend the rest of the day parked at a booth in Sammy’s Bakery and Deli, Nino pretending to play his DS while scanning the crowd, and Jun actually using his laptop while Nino gripes at him to pay attention, it’s a stake-out, dammit.

“It’s a long shot,” Jun reminds him. “A serious long shot, I’m sure the police have already...”

“Already what?” Nino snaps, turning back from the line of customers at the register.

Jun seems to be staring off into space, but then he blinks and focuses on Nino again. “I--I think I just saw him.”

“You what?” Nino hisses, glancing around frantically. “Where?”

“No, just--calm down,” Jun whispers, making a show of calmly closing up his laptop. “He’s not a customer.”

“What?”

“C’mon, follow me.”

*

Sammy’s is a small enough establishment that Nino and Jun have no trouble sneaking into the back without any employees catching them. After stealing through the main kitchens, they stop behind a rack of cooking supplies and dry ingredients.

“Is he back here?” Nino whispers excitedly. “Is he hiding out?”

“No,” Jun says, pointing towards the room on the other side of their hiding place. “He works here.”

Nino’s brows furrow, and he looks in the direction Jun is pointing, and starts. They’ve wound up in the bakery at the back of the shop, where one lone employee is kneading bread peacefully at a counter on the far side of the room. He’s in profile, no more Ray-bans, but Nino has that face memorized by now.

“I’ve got this,” he says to Jun, earning him a roll of the eyes, then steps out into the room.

“Enomoto Kei-san, I presume,” Nino says with a smirk. “If that is your real name.”

The man at the counter turns to them, still kneading his bread methodically, and gives a sleepy blink. “Hello,” he says. “Can I help you?”

“You, uh,” Nino falters for a moment, because, okay, maybe Jun was right, the guy is kind of cute. “You can hand over the Lion’s Heart, first of all.”

Enomoto cocks his head. “Sorry?”

“The enormous ruby you stole from the bank on Tuesday?” Nino tries again.

“Ah. You know about that?”

Jun finally steps up next to Nino. “We have footage of you at the bank it was taken from.”

“I told you I’ve got this,” Nino hisses, but Jun ignores him.

Enomoto smiles serenely, adding more flour to his dough. “Do you have footage of me taking the ruby?”

“Well. No,” Jun falters. “But we know that Enomoto Kei isn’t your real name.”

Suddenly, Nino snaps his fingers. “Wait, does that make you...Sammy?”

Enomoto just chuckles. “You can call me Sammy, if you want.” He pats the dough into a neat mound and covers it with a damp cloth. “So you’re going to want to arrest me?”

“Are you going to come quietly?” Nino asks in his best stern-cop voice.

“No, afraid not,” Enomoto—or maybe Sammy—says, untying the apron he has on. “I don’t think I want to get arrested today.”

“We’re blocking the only exit,” Nino points out. “How are you gonna get out?”

Enomoto moves to the sink in the corner and begins washing his hands. “Well, according to you, I broke into a bank vault and stole an enormous ruby, all without being caught on tape.” He turns off the tap with a squeak. “I’d say my odds are pretty okay.”

For a moment, Nino has no witty retort. Then: “But how did you do it?” he bursts out. “Did you have an accomplice, did you--?”

“I like you two,” Enomoto says with a smile. “You’re funny. Maybe I’ll tell you next time.”

“Next time?” Nino and Jun ask in unison.

Enomoto nods. “I have a feeling we’ll meet again. Would you like to see a magic trick?”

“What?” Jun splutters, at the same time as Nino murmurs: “I like magic.”

Enomoto picks up the bag of flour he was working with, flourishes it and shows both sides. “Nothing up my sleeve,” he says, and then with another flourish, tosses it into the air.

By the time Nino and Jun realize what’s about to happen, the bag has hit the floor and they are engulfed in a cloud of white.

*

When the room clears, Enomoto is gone. In his place, in a pile of flour, is a large, winking red stone. 

*

Nagase is incensed when he finds out Nino recovered the Lion’s Heart first, but Sakurai is glad to have his client’s property back. He hands Nino a paycheck happily, with a promise to recommend Ninomiya Detective Agency to everyone he knows.

“Stop sulking,” Jun calls from the reception desk. “You got the ruby back, and you got paid, what else matters?”

Nino just grumbles into his arms, folded on his desk, and eventually hears Jun get up and walk into the office.

“Seriously?” Jun asks.

“But how did he _do_ it?” Nino whines, throwing up his arms dramatically. “I still don’t know how he did it.”

“You can’t win ‘em all?” Jun tries, leaning against the doorframe.

“Yes I can,” Nino insists. “I’m the best detective in Tokyo!”

“You’re a terrible detective, you never even would have spotted the guy if I wasn’t there.”

“Yes I would have! You just got lucky.”

“What I should get is a raise.”

“Well, if you hate this job so much, why do you keep doing it?” Nino grouses.

Jun just raises an eyebrow. There’s a funny look in his eye, almost...wistful.

“If you haven’t figured that out yet, you really are a terrible detective.”

With a last little smile, Jun closes the door.


End file.
